So I got mugged tonight. . . . yup.

I can still feel him on me. I can feel his body against mine and his disgusting aura invading mine. I can feel the knife or gun or whatever he had pressed against my hip. The shower did nothing to get the feel of him off of me. I think I'm going to be sick. I haven't cried yet and I don't know why. I want to cry. I want to break down and I want someone to comfort me. Who am I fucking kidding? I want HER to hold me. She is the only one who I feel like I could completely just fall apart around and still be okay. She would make sure I was safe in her arms. I can imagine her whispering to me that everything will be okay. That's what is helping me not break down. I can't let anyone see me break down. I can't let Sam know because I already had to calm her down in the car. I got us out.

I realized something from all of this, I learned something from this. I am not a coward. I'm fucking brave. I am strong. I faced that mother fucker and remained calm even though I could have lost my life. My thought afterwards was I have to get Sam out of here. She is going to freak out and I need her to be safe. I want Sam to be okay. I didn't really think about myself. I didn't think, I need to go because I'm not safe.

People get mugged every day but you never think it's going to be you. I don't want to walk away from this scared for the rest of my life though. You can't live your entire existence in constant fear. It's a once in a life time sort of thing but for now I will allow myself to go through the process that my brain needs to go through. It's normal to be scared for awhile. Welcome to some PTSD.

I'm so happy. I didn't get hurt. I can still tell her how I feel one day. I can still get kisses and hugs and be loved by all my friends. I'm still here. I'm here and I'm so happy. I know they wont catch him but that's okay. I kinda feel bad for him. What kind of life does he have to have to resort to robbery? I pray to my goddess that he can find a better path. I wish for him to be able to live a normal life. It's unfortunate knowing that my wish will probably never come true.

I like you, I just want to say this now. I hope you know that it's you who I am saying this to. My one regret in life if I died would have been not being able to say it to you. When I see you again I want to say it for real. Even if you don't like me back that's okay. I just want you to know. Who knows, you could like me too. I think I'm a pretty good catch but I know human connection is more complicated than that. Just don't stop being my friend after, okay?

I learn my lessons the hard way in life but you know what? I thank the world everyday. Even for this, this experience can only make me stronger. Now I know how I would react and now I know that I'm stronger than I ever could imagine. Thank you goddess. Thank you for everything you do for me.

The butterflies are still there. 

It used to mean something entirely different from what it means today. Months ago it used to mean us. It used to mean that I still loved you and I always would. Until the day you turned your back on everything we had.

Today it means I’m still here, even though you’re not. I can still feel the world around me and I haven’t shut it all out again. You made me feel things again and for that I thank you. I was an empty shell, lifelessly wandering through automated responses and day to day interactions. The pain I felt never shown and especially was never heard by any one. 

Back then I didn’t cry in front of people. I built walls to protect myself. Unfortunetly the back lash of that is no one really knows who you are, which makes the world an even lonelier place to be. 

When we first met you taught me that I was worth something just the way I was. For every little weird or fucked up thing I had inside of my heart. I didn’t have to change myself for you. My emotions spilled out and I couldn’t keep the flood from running on and on. Everything bursting out and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I knew you had your problems, but then again, so did I. The negative voices that controlled me started to fade. 

So thank you. 

I’m sorry I grew up without you. I was lifting higher and higher that I must have seemed unreachable. Is that why you started trying to bring me down? Was that the fear that motivated those decisions?

You let go of the cord on this balloon and that’s when I really started to fly. These last couple of months is when I have started to soar higher than I ever have before.

I thought you were the one keeping me afloat. I thought you were the wind beneath my wings but I found out that wasn’t the case. 

I am my own wind now. You may have helped me get my start but now I don’t need you anymore. I am lifting myself up. 

And guess what, I can still have those butterflies. 

I never thought they would appear for anybody else, but here they are. softly fluttering, as if barley holding on to life. They get stronger every day. My emotions haven’t left me again. The worst thing in the world happened and here I am. Still standing. 

Strong 

Confident 

Beautiful

Words I never thought I would use to describe myself.

I love myself. Finally, I thought this day would never come. I am a healthy  mental state where self loathing or emotionless are not my only two options. I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to be angry. I tell people when they hurt me. But most of all I have allowed myself to love and be loved. I know I’m not the perfect girl but I am a pretty good fucking catch. I am the type of person who loves with everything I have and to me that’s pretty amazing. If I am not good enough for somebody then it’s their loss, not mine. Honestly I rather be rejected. I don’t want to waste time on somebody who isn’t worth it. 

Fate and destiny. 

Like most people I have known, I met you when you needed someone the most. I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. All that wasted potential. 

Now fate has set me down a new path. As always it starts out dark and scary. Those of us who are strong enough to keep walking find the light in the pockets of complete darkness. Those lights are different for everyone. For me, it’s all the people who have always loved me but I was too weak to keep walking and see them. They light up my world as I bring more and more of them to me. Helping me avoid the pot holes and clearing me far from the dangerous cliffs falling into nothingness. The light has warmed me from the inside out and faintly I begin to glow also. As if to prepare me for when they all leave and I have to light my own way but I have a feeling that wont be for a very very long time. Of course the lights come and go as they please but as long as their warmth is remembered then I will continue to keep their glow within myself. I wont stop walking again. I will never look back even if there is security in the familiar road. 

Lovers will come and go. As long as I love myself then that’s okay with me. I used to worry about being alone to the point of sheer panic. That will never happen because people are always attracted to light we hold. 

I’m sorry I had to leave you in the darkness. No matter how much I tugged and pulled, you just wouldn’t go. I will meet someone who will walk beside me, hand in hand, as an equal. 

Thank you for pushing me away. 

Truly the best gift you could have given me.