So I got mugged tonight. . . . yup.

I can still feel him on me. I can feel his body against mine and his disgusting aura invading mine. I can feel the knife or gun or whatever he had pressed against my hip. The shower did nothing to get the feel of him off of me. I think I'm going to be sick. I haven't cried yet and I don't know why. I want to cry. I want to break down and I want someone to comfort me. Who am I fucking kidding? I want HER to hold me. She is the only one who I feel like I could completely just fall apart around and still be okay. She would make sure I was safe in her arms. I can imagine her whispering to me that everything will be okay. That's what is helping me not break down. I can't let anyone see me break down. I can't let Sam know because I already had to calm her down in the car. I got us out.

I realized something from all of this, I learned something from this. I am not a coward. I'm fucking brave. I am strong. I faced that mother fucker and remained calm even though I could have lost my life. My thought afterwards was I have to get Sam out of here. She is going to freak out and I need her to be safe. I want Sam to be okay. I didn't really think about myself. I didn't think, I need to go because I'm not safe.

People get mugged every day but you never think it's going to be you. I don't want to walk away from this scared for the rest of my life though. You can't live your entire existence in constant fear. It's a once in a life time sort of thing but for now I will allow myself to go through the process that my brain needs to go through. It's normal to be scared for awhile. Welcome to some PTSD.

I'm so happy. I didn't get hurt. I can still tell her how I feel one day. I can still get kisses and hugs and be loved by all my friends. I'm still here. I'm here and I'm so happy. I know they wont catch him but that's okay. I kinda feel bad for him. What kind of life does he have to have to resort to robbery? I pray to my goddess that he can find a better path. I wish for him to be able to live a normal life. It's unfortunate knowing that my wish will probably never come true.

I like you, I just want to say this now. I hope you know that it's you who I am saying this to. My one regret in life if I died would have been not being able to say it to you. When I see you again I want to say it for real. Even if you don't like me back that's okay. I just want you to know. Who knows, you could like me too. I think I'm a pretty good catch but I know human connection is more complicated than that. Just don't stop being my friend after, okay?

I learn my lessons the hard way in life but you know what? I thank the world everyday. Even for this, this experience can only make me stronger. Now I know how I would react and now I know that I'm stronger than I ever could imagine. Thank you goddess. Thank you for everything you do for me.