Darkness shrouding my sense
Numb and unfeeling
Don't let it happen
Some one save me

the light is dim
Shrinking into itself
the darknes devouring hope
and blinding our eyes

Bats fly across my vision
nothingness take me soon
inside the world of insanity
Swirling in my mind

A glow
far from here
glows softly
preparing for battle

Save us
please god save us

Take some time to smell the roses.

A lot can be missed when you have forgotten how to walk. Not just the motions of one step in front of the other but the act of moving forward in the world around you, Of  looking and actually seeing everything and appreciating everything as it is. I have driven down this road many times but today I was forced to walk instead. There were things I never noticed before and things I have forgotten. I forgot the feel of the sun beating down on the back of my neck like a warm cup of coffee resting between my palms, the breeze cooling my face and rustling the leaves above as if they had a secret to tell. My arms swinging to my sides softly reach up and caress the tips of green. I stop at the sight of a rose bush. The pink so vivid, even the sunset could only dare to compete with it’s bright fuchsia against the deep green of its stem. I bring up to my face, not thinking of the embarrassment of getting caught doing so. The fragrance fills my senses with old memories, a thing that cheap perfumes attempt to achieve. The petels pinched between my rough finger tips feel like freshly cleaned cotton sheets. I leave, continuing down my path and saying goodbye like I would to an old friend. Cars squeal past me with music blasting while my own ears stretch and yern to hear the slightest movement of wind against the grass. The scent of the air as I breathe deep is crisp and mild. I pass an old building that I had yet to see on my many drives.  Abandoned yet beautiful in it’s own world with the dust covered shelves inside that you can barley see through the dirt covered windows. I pass a restaurant and the air changes to the smell of garlic and citrus. People chatting noisily intrigues me.  What stories do these people have to tell? What things could I learn from them. The possibilities of countless interactions and experiences that one person could hold excited me. Those people who chose to enjoy their meal and company outside probably appreciated the beauty of this one street as much as I was right now. Even the man made sculpture in front had me taken back as I imagined how difficult it must have been to make and thinking how one human could think of that all by themselves. Lavender grew against the cool grey of the fence and my eyes became warm and soft as the colors shone through and helped each other become even more beautiful. Still I kept walking, the ache in my muscles telling me that my body was done because of the long night before but my brain was far from ready to stop absorbing everything. I walked on ward to my new apartment three houses down. The cold of metal was welcomed and I opened the door and took a deep breath of the already familiar scent. I was home.

Tears fall from the eyes of my sisters. I stand there unable to comprohend anymore. Why are you sad? The ending of things shouldnt make you cry my dear. A furture lies ahead. A new door will open. You will learn things you need to survive. Without this you would have crumbled. Just as I would have too. Is it because you and I are so similar that I can't leave quite yet? Do I feel compelled to help you? I think that must be it. If I can do it then you definetly can. Seeing you in pain brought back my own pain. I guess I'm not completly over what she did to me. I'm trying but it does hold me back from taking those much needed leaps of faith. I know you arn't over what happned between the two of us. Manipulation is a horrible thing but to hear you talk about it, even if it was under the influence, is good for you. Let it out, let it out. You can't keep these things in anymore. It was easier when we were young. Now, the stress builds and builds and there is nothing we can do but release it from our bodies. Don't worry, a smile will come easily to you when you finally meet someone who is really worth it. I wish I could take away your pain and bring it into my own body. I am much better at dealing with these things than most. Living life the hard way does that. I guess you will figure it out. We all figure it out in the end. It's just the path we are on. But am I really better than anyone else? There are still things that need to happen for me too. I need to learn to be alone. Something in my heart is telling me to take everything really slow. Maybe I know that she wants you? I don't know. I can't compete. I just hope you are both happy. I don't feel like waiting for something to happen. I always do this. I go for girls like her all the time. The ones who are shut off and hurt by other people. I would like to be the one to help you believe again but at the same time I don't. That's so much pressure and I know I am not close to perfection. What was I thinking? We really should keep it simple. What am I trying to achieve from this anyway? You don't remember that night. That's kinda shitty. Dropping it now. Changing things for the both of us. No more pressure. Nothing. I will cut off that affection.

I wish everyone could just be happy for once. Maybe I surrond myself with the wrong people? I just wish everyone could let go of all the pain and the hurt. Forgivness makes everything so much easier. It really does. I want to hold on to hope for every new relationship I have because I want to always have it feel new and exciting. Where is my life taking me? I hope it guilds me to happiness. All I have to do is keep my chin up. I hope it leads me to the love of my life. I hope it leads me to someone that I want to love for 50 years. Is it really people like me who keep the world moving? That could be one of the best things someone could ever say to me. I will help this whole world move forward. I am older than my years. Can I touch the lives around me? Do I need to be needed? I really don't see how I am much diffrent than anyone else. Everyone has the power to do what I did. Everyone can bring themselves from darkness no matter how far you might have fallen. It's the people with such a burning desire to accomplish anything they want is what keeps the world moving. As I have found, these people are a very rare breed. I just don't understand how you can't be happy. How do people let these things in their past hold them back? If anything, I should be one of those people who are held by their shadows. Kicked and abused, easily taken advantage of. How did I hold on to this hope? How have a I held on for so long? I know what it's like not to eat, I know what it's like to have no one, I know what it's like to be touched when I didn't want to be, I know what it's like to watch that happen to someone else, I know what it's like to think the people closest to you are going to die, I know what it's like to raise yourself, I know what it's like to be lost. I grew up too fast. I had no childhood. I am fiercly independant because I was forced to be that way. When people assume I must have had a good life because I am able to smile with ease I can honestly say it has been no picnic. But because of my hardships, because of every peice of shit thing anyone has ever done to me, because of that is why I can smile. I'm proud of myself. For everything. I wish I could teach everyone how I do it but even that fact eludes me.

The flash of pain .
I crave you.
I fear you.
And here I am chasing you again.

The warmth of love.
I crave you.
I fear you.
And here I am trying to run again.

Pain is the love I allow myself to feel.
A bond made from trust.
So similar in many different ways.
And yet only one is considered sane.

The screams of passion and fear.
sounds so similar in my ears.
moans from dry throats.
clenching and relaxation from sweaty bodies.

When the two combine.
A world entwines with beauty.
a completion of desire.
the complications of guilt.

So spank me again.
but whisper that you love me in my ear.
teach me a lesson.
and let me know that it's because you care.

Give me your anger.
give me your pain.
let me heal your scars.
as you mark mine with the same.

Let me be your release.
however that may be.
I am only here to please.
as long as you take good care of me.

Let me bring it out of you.
can I hold you as you cry?
I can help you embrace your darkness.
and bring you into the light.

Can you tear me down?
So I can pick myself back up.
I want to know what true pain is.
So nothing else will hurt.

Will you take care of my wounds?
After I begged for you to give them to me.
I will tell you how much I care for you.
When you crash into your emotions.

For a moment let us forget.
Any worry about the world is gone.
Wrap me in a painful embrace.
until my heart bursts from love.

I love you.
I hate you.
My body burns.
but your eyes are cold.

The glow in your eyes is addictive.
when I am able to push my body further for you.
The sound coming from your lips is honey.
When you call me a good girl.

So I got mugged tonight. . . . yup.

I can still feel him on me. I can feel his body against mine and his disgusting aura invading mine. I can feel the knife or gun or whatever he had pressed against my hip. The shower did nothing to get the feel of him off of me. I think I'm going to be sick. I haven't cried yet and I don't know why. I want to cry. I want to break down and I want someone to comfort me. Who am I fucking kidding? I want HER to hold me. She is the only one who I feel like I could completely just fall apart around and still be okay. She would make sure I was safe in her arms. I can imagine her whispering to me that everything will be okay. That's what is helping me not break down. I can't let anyone see me break down. I can't let Sam know because I already had to calm her down in the car. I got us out.

I realized something from all of this, I learned something from this. I am not a coward. I'm fucking brave. I am strong. I faced that mother fucker and remained calm even though I could have lost my life. My thought afterwards was I have to get Sam out of here. She is going to freak out and I need her to be safe. I want Sam to be okay. I didn't really think about myself. I didn't think, I need to go because I'm not safe.

People get mugged every day but you never think it's going to be you. I don't want to walk away from this scared for the rest of my life though. You can't live your entire existence in constant fear. It's a once in a life time sort of thing but for now I will allow myself to go through the process that my brain needs to go through. It's normal to be scared for awhile. Welcome to some PTSD.

I'm so happy. I didn't get hurt. I can still tell her how I feel one day. I can still get kisses and hugs and be loved by all my friends. I'm still here. I'm here and I'm so happy. I know they wont catch him but that's okay. I kinda feel bad for him. What kind of life does he have to have to resort to robbery? I pray to my goddess that he can find a better path. I wish for him to be able to live a normal life. It's unfortunate knowing that my wish will probably never come true.

I like you, I just want to say this now. I hope you know that it's you who I am saying this to. My one regret in life if I died would have been not being able to say it to you. When I see you again I want to say it for real. Even if you don't like me back that's okay. I just want you to know. Who knows, you could like me too. I think I'm a pretty good catch but I know human connection is more complicated than that. Just don't stop being my friend after, okay?

I learn my lessons the hard way in life but you know what? I thank the world everyday. Even for this, this experience can only make me stronger. Now I know how I would react and now I know that I'm stronger than I ever could imagine. Thank you goddess. Thank you for everything you do for me.

The butterflies are still there. 

It used to mean something entirely different from what it means today. Months ago it used to mean us. It used to mean that I still loved you and I always would. Until the day you turned your back on everything we had.

Today it means I’m still here, even though you’re not. I can still feel the world around me and I haven’t shut it all out again. You made me feel things again and for that I thank you. I was an empty shell, lifelessly wandering through automated responses and day to day interactions. The pain I felt never shown and especially was never heard by any one. 

Back then I didn’t cry in front of people. I built walls to protect myself. Unfortunetly the back lash of that is no one really knows who you are, which makes the world an even lonelier place to be. 

When we first met you taught me that I was worth something just the way I was. For every little weird or fucked up thing I had inside of my heart. I didn’t have to change myself for you. My emotions spilled out and I couldn’t keep the flood from running on and on. Everything bursting out and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I knew you had your problems, but then again, so did I. The negative voices that controlled me started to fade. 

So thank you. 

I’m sorry I grew up without you. I was lifting higher and higher that I must have seemed unreachable. Is that why you started trying to bring me down? Was that the fear that motivated those decisions?

You let go of the cord on this balloon and that’s when I really started to fly. These last couple of months is when I have started to soar higher than I ever have before.

I thought you were the one keeping me afloat. I thought you were the wind beneath my wings but I found out that wasn’t the case. 

I am my own wind now. You may have helped me get my start but now I don’t need you anymore. I am lifting myself up. 

And guess what, I can still have those butterflies. 

I never thought they would appear for anybody else, but here they are. softly fluttering, as if barley holding on to life. They get stronger every day. My emotions haven’t left me again. The worst thing in the world happened and here I am. Still standing. 

Strong 

Confident 

Beautiful

Words I never thought I would use to describe myself.

I love myself. Finally, I thought this day would never come. I am a healthy  mental state where self loathing or emotionless are not my only two options. I allow myself to cry. I allow myself to be angry. I tell people when they hurt me. But most of all I have allowed myself to love and be loved. I know I’m not the perfect girl but I am a pretty good fucking catch. I am the type of person who loves with everything I have and to me that’s pretty amazing. If I am not good enough for somebody then it’s their loss, not mine. Honestly I rather be rejected. I don’t want to waste time on somebody who isn’t worth it. 

Fate and destiny. 

Like most people I have known, I met you when you needed someone the most. I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. All that wasted potential. 

Now fate has set me down a new path. As always it starts out dark and scary. Those of us who are strong enough to keep walking find the light in the pockets of complete darkness. Those lights are different for everyone. For me, it’s all the people who have always loved me but I was too weak to keep walking and see them. They light up my world as I bring more and more of them to me. Helping me avoid the pot holes and clearing me far from the dangerous cliffs falling into nothingness. The light has warmed me from the inside out and faintly I begin to glow also. As if to prepare me for when they all leave and I have to light my own way but I have a feeling that wont be for a very very long time. Of course the lights come and go as they please but as long as their warmth is remembered then I will continue to keep their glow within myself. I wont stop walking again. I will never look back even if there is security in the familiar road. 

Lovers will come and go. As long as I love myself then that’s okay with me. I used to worry about being alone to the point of sheer panic. That will never happen because people are always attracted to light we hold. 

I’m sorry I had to leave you in the darkness. No matter how much I tugged and pulled, you just wouldn’t go. I will meet someone who will walk beside me, hand in hand, as an equal. 

Thank you for pushing me away. 

Truly the best gift you could have given me.

Break up poem I found.

Wind and earth
Sky and ground
Air and soil
The two must never coil

The dream of lovers
Lost to our eyes
Day and night
Everything said was just lies

Lost in my head
The ground had caught me
I became subdued
I forgot how to fly

But you can only hold on for so long
The earth is only so strong
Your grip loosened
And then you just let me go

The storm in my head died down
The fog lifted
And all you could do was watch me go
And as it rained and got cold
Our love got trapped in the frozen snow.

You are dying
All I can do is watch you, crying
But death brings the promise of life
And you too will reach the spring of your life

Although you might grow your trees
Reaching higher and higher for me again
I will forever be lost to you
As that unobtainable dream

Forget my name
Forget my smile
It doesn’t belong to you
There are others willing to take your title

The world forgotten

Chapter 1

I was just a child when I lost my family and my world shattered around me. My mother was pulling me to the back bedroom so fast that I could barley keep my legs from tripping over each other.
“ hurry Selena, we have to hurry” she said to me in a hushed voice.
We rushed into the room and she pulled me into her arms. She kissed my forehead  and brushed the hair from my eyes. “ remember Selena, no matter what happens I will always love you.” I could hear the trembling in her voice. Her whole body trembled with the fear that she was trying to hide. She hugged me one last time as she pushed me under the bed. There was barley enough room for me to fit as a slid on my belly, making my way under the dusty bed. “ Don’t make a sound, I will come get you when we are able to escape.” She left the room and locked it behind her. Tears began to stream from my face. I couldn’t understand exactly what was happening at that age but I could feel the danger all around me. I  heard the screams and gunshots coming from outside. I felt the overwhelming sadness as the souls of people in the small town left this earth. It would only be a matter of time before they came for us. Just then I heard the banging on our door and the shouts of my mother and father. One shot and a large thump. I thought of my mother and father falling to their deaths. I would never see them again. I thought of my father trying to teach me how to hunt, my mother baking in our small but happy kitchen. My world was crashing down around me. I knew then that I would never feel that happiness again, that if some how one of my parents do survive that it would never be the same. I will always carry this sadness with me. I never thought this would happen. This sort of things happens to other families. My mother and father promised to protect me, but how could they do that if they were dead. I covered my mouth with both hands the stop the hiccups from coming out as the tears flowed more freely. My mother lets out a scream and I hear running through the hallways. They stop at my door.
“ Where is the child!?” a mans voice.
My mother stays silent. The thud of a fist making contact to flesh, and she fell to the floor.
“ Go search the other rooms, I will start with this one” He said to whom I could only guess was another solider.
I held my breath as I heard him jiggle the door knob. I knew my mother had locked it but that never stopped any man bent on killing whatever was on the other side. He cursed and started banging on the door. “ what’s the status on the other rooms!”
“ All clear sir” replied the other man.
“ Then she has to be in here but I cant get the stupid thing open”
He kicked the door one more time.
“ search her for a key or something, we cant leave unless we know that everyone of them is dead.”
My mother shrieks as they search her. “ Shut up!” he hits her again and my mother falls silent. I feel her soul growing weak and I know she will die soon.  The door handle is jiggled again and this time it opens. The men step inside and all I can see are their boots. I can still remember them so clearly to this day. Jet black with straps going up it and silver buckles covered in dirt and blood. They tore apart the room looking for me. It took all I had not to bolt for the door and go running. I knew the same fate would fall onto me out there as it would in here. All I could was sit here, sit here and hope that they wouldn’t find me. I could make my escape in the night but not now. A vase with tiny yellow flowers breaks close to may face. “ She has to be here!” He stomps over to the door and is just about to walk out when he stops. His boots turn and in that instant I know he has found me. His body crouches down and his face comes into view. A thick, curly beard belonging to an older man with piercing blue eyes touched the floor. His hand reaches under and grabs my hair and pulls me out and up. “ I hate touching you disgusting creatures” he says to me. The other man walked up beside him. He was younger, much younger. He couldn’t be more than 15 . I began whimpering and grabbing at my hair and he just pulled me up higher in response. “ Let go of her, cant you see that she is in pain” said the young boy. The older man began to laugh “ Let go! You think this girl deserves any sort of kindness!” he chuckles again and then his smile disappears and anger reaches his eyes. “ This girl is a sin” he spits in my face and begins to laugh again. My tears are making my eyes blurry and my head is pounding. The boy looks to the ground as if he is ashamed of even being in the same room. He grabs the boys face with his free hand and jerks it toward me. “ Look how lovely this young girl is, don’t you agree that this girl is stunning?”
“yes sir, she is very beautiful” The boy is about to cry as he looks at me.
“ Tells us your name” He says to me. I stay silent, unable to do anything but cry.
“ Tell us!” He yells at me and throws me to the floor. I land hard on my side and pain shoots through my body. “ Selena sir” My body is quivering but I am able to steady my voice long enough to speak.
“ Selena, A beautiful name for such a beautiful young girl.”  My name sounds filthy coming from his mouth. He kneels down next to me and has a hand on my throat.
“ You have beautiful eyes, Selena. Where did you get such beautiful eyes?”
“ From my mum, sir”
“ oh right, she was also very lovely although I don’t believe that you deserve such beautiful eyes.” he smiles at me and pulls out his knife. He run the tip of the blade along my cheek bone under each eye, pressing lightly enough not to cut skin.

“ I believe I am going to have to take these away from you, Selena”  His blade pushes under my eye and I start screaming. His hand has a tight hold and I am unable to move my head. My eye is gone and he laughs at my pain, the soft orb dropping to the floor before he stabs into it.
“ A shame really, if only you had been born of the pure race.”

.My body goes numb and the world disappears around me and all that’s left is the pain. The last thing I see is the boy and the look of horror on his face and then suddenly my other eye is gone and the world goes dark. The next thing I hear is the unsheathing of a sword and I feel as if this is my end. The man is laughing so loud that he doesn’t hear the boy behind him unsheathe his own and drive it into the mans heart. The man falls to my side and I’m free. I try crawling away but I have no way of knowing where I am going. The boys footsteps get close to me and he lifts me up and cradles me in his arms. I feel his sadness as he walks over and lays me down on the bed. I cant stop the soft whimpering coming from my throat. He strokes my hair trying to sooth me. I hear the rip of clothe he wraps them around my eyes with careful fingers.
“ I’m sorry, I am so sorry.” he curses and his tears land on my cheeks.
“ I wont hurt you, I promise.” My body relaxes and I can feel my body slipping into unconsciousness.

When I wake again the gun shots and screaming have stopped and I can feel the young man laying next to me. I lay there, not saying a thing, trying to reach out to feel my mother and father but there is nothing. Tears poor from their eyeless sockets only too be stopped by the clothe the young man had wrapped around my head. I try to sit up but my body feels so off balance and unconsciousness threatens to pull me under again that I just lay back down. The young boy stirs and sits up. His hands reach my face and pushes the hair from my face, although it wouldn’t matter because my eyes are gone so thus there is nothing to block my sight. “ are you awake” He sounds so young when he is barley awake. I nod my head in response.
“ good, we need to pack whatever food we can and escape. They will be back tomorrow morning to burn this place to the ground. Do you think you can walk?”
I try getting up again but I end up leaning over the bed and throwing up. He hands me a canister of water and I have to force myself to take slow sips unless I want to throw it all up again.
“ I will be right back” He walks out of the room and come back not a minute later.
He puts something in my hand.
“ Eat it, it’s bread and you need something in your stomach”
I chew on it slowly. Why was this man being so kind to me? He will never be able to go back to his family because he chose to save me. Now he is attempting to get me out. He will get killed if they ever find him.

“ I am going to pack a few things. You stay here and try and see if you can get up.”  he left and I could hear him rustling through the house. I willed myself to move. The least I could do for this boy was try and not be a burden on him. I avoid the spot where I could only guess my bile was. My feet touch the hard, cold floor and I am able to stand up. I use the bed as a guild to make my way out of the room. My feet hit the dead mans boot and I wince, remembering what he did to me. I step over him and find the wall. My hands find the door frame and I smell my mothers body beginning to rote. I tell myself to keep moving, to not drop at my mothers dead body because I know I would not be able to get up again. My fingers trail the walls of my home. The home that I have lived in since I was born. The home where all my happiest memories take place. The home that I now have to leave behind long before I am ready. My feet shuffle in front of me. I am careful to step over any hazards on the floor. I follow the sound of him packing supplies and make my way into the kitchen.
“ Oh sweetie, I didn’t mean come all the way here. You could have stepped on glass.”  He said in a soft voice as he crouched down in front of me.
“ How about I go get you some shoes.” he carries me to my fathers arm chair. He runs off and when he comes back he starts putting socks on my cold feet and then some winter boots.
“ I’m sorry if its too warm in the summer but you will thank me when winter comes.”
He touches my face again, I can still feel the sadness on him. I wonder if he will ever be able to smile again.
“ How old are you?” he asks me .
I hold up my fingers in the number. I cant make the words form in my mouth from a combination of the soar throat I have from screaming and the never ending sadness crushing my chest.
“ So your nine, huh?” I can hear the fake happiness in his voice as he tries to be strong for me.   All I can do is nod in response. He stands and gathers the last of the things. He has made a small pack for me to carry and he slung a larger one on his back.

“ Alright, we need to go now.” he grabbed my hand and he slowly opened the front door. We rushed out into the cool summer night and into the woods nearby.

~~~~~~~~


It was 3 months before I could speak again. I didn’t know when my throat had healed but I never felt like talking. He was helping me eat a stew he had made from vegetables and animals he had caught in the forest. In the tiniest whisper I thanked him for saving me. He just kept helping me eat, not saying a word. It was only until the next morning when he was taking down our camp that he responded “ You shouldn’t be thanking me, If my kind hadn’t decided to kill your people then you would still be just another happy girl. You wouldn’t be blind and always running from danger.” He snuffed out the fire and remove all traces of us being there. “ My name is Grant by the way, I just realized I never told you”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He always kept us moving. I had no idea where we were going but some how I knew he would keep me safe. Whenever we had to pass through a town he would tuck all my hair in a hat and pull it down to cover my ears. We would beg for money on the streets and it seems people were very generous for the blind girl with a pretty face.  I was always able to buy us a meal and a bed for the night. We never stayed long in any town, at most a week but never any longer. We were always in the woods. He taught me how to hunt. Although I could not see, my hearing got very strong. I could hear the animals rustling in the crunchy leaves of fall. He and I both knew we couldn’t stay in the woods for long. Winter was coming fast and we would freeze to death if we didn’t find a permanent place to stay. We traveled for another month before we came across the small town. There was an old abandoned house in the woods nearby. We took shelter there. It was so run down and broken that no body came to claim ownership of it. The roof leaked and some of the windows were completely busted. The house had two bed rooms, a decent sized kitchen, an office, and a living room where the fire place sat. He tapped the windows up and we kept pans under the leaks to keep it from reaching the floor. We called it home that winter and when the spring came we decided to stay.
~~~~~~~~~~

9 year have passed since then. Its my 18th birthday. This year is the most important year for my race, this is the year when we start aging slower. I had never told Grant about it but today I would have to. He would continue to age as I stayed the same until long after he dies. He had gone to town and I sat on the porch in our chair swing feeling the hot sun on my face as it filtered through the trees. Today would hopefully also be the day I could finally tell him that I had fallen in love with him. I guess it was natural that I would fall for him. He had saved my life and he was nothing but kind to me. He made me smile when I thought I had lost the ability too. He was my light when I thought all hope was lost. Whenever I was screaming in the middle of the night from the nightmares that made me relive their deaths, he would come in and lay next to me until the screaming stopped. I suggested several times that we just share a bedroom but he would never hear of it. He always told me that a lady should never share a room with any man but her husband. I never had the courage to tell him that I hoped one day that he would be that man. He also always told me I could never date until I was 18 and old enough to make the right decision. That’s why today I had to tell him. When he got home I was going to march right up to him and kiss him. My lips started to tingle at the thought and I ran my tongue over them as if I could already taste him. I had started to doze off when I heard his foot steps coming toward me. He sat next to me and ran a hand through my hair. I let myself enjoy the feeling for a moment. His hands were large and always so rough from work. He had picked up an apprenticeship and the local carpenter years ago and ever since then he always had blisters. “ are you awake, selena?”

I moved toward him and laid my head on his shoulder. He put an arm around me and grabbed something next to him. He played a rectangular box in my lap.

“ What is this?” I asked him.

“Well its your birthday isn't it, and isn't it always a custom to receive presents on your birthday?”

I traced the edges with my finger tips. “ I told you not to get me anything” I tried sounding serious but I could feel the smile spreading across my face.

“ Do I ever listen? Now go on, open it!”

I lifted the edges of paper neatly carefully and pulled out the box. I opened the lid and felt the fabric inside. It was soft and the scent of roses hit me. I lifted the cloth from the box and spread it across my lap.

“ it’s a new dress, I thought you would have liked one to add to your very small supply.” 

I felt the lace hanging on the edges and let the skirt flow down to the ground. 

“ oh thank you! It really is wonderful” I wrapped my arms around him and gave him the biggest hug I could. 

“ your not done yet. I guess I would ask you to close your eyes but I guess you cant really see what I’m doing anyway”  He said with a laugh. He reached into his pocket and placed something on my neck. I grabbed it and felt a tiny metal heart attached to a chain. 

“ its silver in case you were wondering” 

Tears started forming and it took all I could do to stop them from spilling over. 

“ thank you” it came out as a whisper as my fingers memorized the small token. 

I knew this was the perfect time to tell him but of course all the previous courage I had abandoned me now. I swallowed my tears. I had to tell him right now or I never would. I pretended I was on of the confident woman I had always admired when Grant read to me. My body turned toward his and my hands rested on his leg. I moved my face closer to his and parted my lips ever so slightly. My lips were close enough to his that even the slightest movement would close the distance. I waited there, I waited for him to close that distance and give me what I always wanted. I could feel his body tense and hesitant. I begged him in my thoughts, hoping that some how they would reach him. He turned his head and felt more stupid than I ever have in my life. I coughed and scooted away from him. 

“ I guess I should go try this on and make sure it fits.” I said as gathered my dress in my arms and stood. My throat was choking up and the tears started to spill over. I was so stupid to even think that he wanted me that way. He probably had a lover and I was just that silly little girl he saved years ago. I headed to the door when he grabbed my wrist. 

“ Selena, Its not that I don’t want to. It’s that I should be the one brave enough to do it.”

He turned me around and pulled me toward him. His palm cupped my cheek and before I could say anything in response, he closed the distance between our lips. My arms let go of the dress and wrapped around his neck. It felt better than I imagined. My body was on fire and I wanted to be burned. I kissed him back, with all the emotion and love I had for him spilling into that kiss. His lips were soft and fit perfectly against my own. He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to his body. My legs were trembling that I thought I might fall if he wasn’t holding me up. I had to pull away and catch my breath. His kisses continued on my cheek, up my ear and down to the base of my neck. 

“ I love you selena, I always have and I always will. Forever, I promise that to you. I always want you to be by my side.”