Tears fall from the eyes of my sisters. I stand there unable to comprohend anymore. Why are you sad? The ending of things shouldnt make you cry my dear. A furture lies ahead. A new door will open. You will learn things you need to survive. Without this you would have crumbled. Just as I would have too. Is it because you and I are so similar that I can't leave quite yet? Do I feel compelled to help you? I think that must be it. If I can do it then you definetly can. Seeing you in pain brought back my own pain. I guess I'm not completly over what she did to me. I'm trying but it does hold me back from taking those much needed leaps of faith. I know you arn't over what happned between the two of us. Manipulation is a horrible thing but to hear you talk about it, even if it was under the influence, is good for you. Let it out, let it out. You can't keep these things in anymore. It was easier when we were young. Now, the stress builds and builds and there is nothing we can do but release it from our bodies. Don't worry, a smile will come easily to you when you finally meet someone who is really worth it. I wish I could take away your pain and bring it into my own body. I am much better at dealing with these things than most. Living life the hard way does that. I guess you will figure it out. We all figure it out in the end. It's just the path we are on. But am I really better than anyone else? There are still things that need to happen for me too. I need to learn to be alone. Something in my heart is telling me to take everything really slow. Maybe I know that she wants you? I don't know. I can't compete. I just hope you are both happy. I don't feel like waiting for something to happen. I always do this. I go for girls like her all the time. The ones who are shut off and hurt by other people. I would like to be the one to help you believe again but at the same time I don't. That's so much pressure and I know I am not close to perfection. What was I thinking? We really should keep it simple. What am I trying to achieve from this anyway? You don't remember that night. That's kinda shitty. Dropping it now. Changing things for the both of us. No more pressure. Nothing. I will cut off that affection.

I wish everyone could just be happy for once. Maybe I surrond myself with the wrong people? I just wish everyone could let go of all the pain and the hurt. Forgivness makes everything so much easier. It really does. I want to hold on to hope for every new relationship I have because I want to always have it feel new and exciting. Where is my life taking me? I hope it guilds me to happiness. All I have to do is keep my chin up. I hope it leads me to the love of my life. I hope it leads me to someone that I want to love for 50 years. Is it really people like me who keep the world moving? That could be one of the best things someone could ever say to me. I will help this whole world move forward. I am older than my years. Can I touch the lives around me? Do I need to be needed? I really don't see how I am much diffrent than anyone else. Everyone has the power to do what I did. Everyone can bring themselves from darkness no matter how far you might have fallen. It's the people with such a burning desire to accomplish anything they want is what keeps the world moving. As I have found, these people are a very rare breed. I just don't understand how you can't be happy. How do people let these things in their past hold them back? If anything, I should be one of those people who are held by their shadows. Kicked and abused, easily taken advantage of. How did I hold on to this hope? How have a I held on for so long? I know what it's like not to eat, I know what it's like to have no one, I know what it's like to be touched when I didn't want to be, I know what it's like to watch that happen to someone else, I know what it's like to think the people closest to you are going to die, I know what it's like to raise yourself, I know what it's like to be lost. I grew up too fast. I had no childhood. I am fiercly independant because I was forced to be that way. When people assume I must have had a good life because I am able to smile with ease I can honestly say it has been no picnic. But because of my hardships, because of every peice of shit thing anyone has ever done to me, because of that is why I can smile. I'm proud of myself. For everything. I wish I could teach everyone how I do it but even that fact eludes me.