Take some time to smell the roses.

A lot can be missed when you have forgotten how to walk. Not just the motions of one step in front of the other but the act of moving forward in the world around you, Of  looking and actually seeing everything and appreciating everything as it is. I have driven down this road many times but today I was forced to walk instead. There were things I never noticed before and things I have forgotten. I forgot the feel of the sun beating down on the back of my neck like a warm cup of coffee resting between my palms, the breeze cooling my face and rustling the leaves above as if they had a secret to tell. My arms swinging to my sides softly reach up and caress the tips of green. I stop at the sight of a rose bush. The pink so vivid, even the sunset could only dare to compete with it’s bright fuchsia against the deep green of its stem. I bring up to my face, not thinking of the embarrassment of getting caught doing so. The fragrance fills my senses with old memories, a thing that cheap perfumes attempt to achieve. The petels pinched between my rough finger tips feel like freshly cleaned cotton sheets. I leave, continuing down my path and saying goodbye like I would to an old friend. Cars squeal past me with music blasting while my own ears stretch and yern to hear the slightest movement of wind against the grass. The scent of the air as I breathe deep is crisp and mild. I pass an old building that I had yet to see on my many drives.  Abandoned yet beautiful in it’s own world with the dust covered shelves inside that you can barley see through the dirt covered windows. I pass a restaurant and the air changes to the smell of garlic and citrus. People chatting noisily intrigues me.  What stories do these people have to tell? What things could I learn from them. The possibilities of countless interactions and experiences that one person could hold excited me. Those people who chose to enjoy their meal and company outside probably appreciated the beauty of this one street as much as I was right now. Even the man made sculpture in front had me taken back as I imagined how difficult it must have been to make and thinking how one human could think of that all by themselves. Lavender grew against the cool grey of the fence and my eyes became warm and soft as the colors shone through and helped each other become even more beautiful. Still I kept walking, the ache in my muscles telling me that my body was done because of the long night before but my brain was far from ready to stop absorbing everything. I walked on ward to my new apartment three houses down. The cold of metal was welcomed and I opened the door and took a deep breath of the already familiar scent. I was home.

Tears fall from the eyes of my sisters. I stand there unable to comprohend anymore. Why are you sad? The ending of things shouldnt make you cry my dear. A furture lies ahead. A new door will open. You will learn things you need to survive. Without this you would have crumbled. Just as I would have too. Is it because you and I are so similar that I can't leave quite yet? Do I feel compelled to help you? I think that must be it. If I can do it then you definetly can. Seeing you in pain brought back my own pain. I guess I'm not completly over what she did to me. I'm trying but it does hold me back from taking those much needed leaps of faith. I know you arn't over what happned between the two of us. Manipulation is a horrible thing but to hear you talk about it, even if it was under the influence, is good for you. Let it out, let it out. You can't keep these things in anymore. It was easier when we were young. Now, the stress builds and builds and there is nothing we can do but release it from our bodies. Don't worry, a smile will come easily to you when you finally meet someone who is really worth it. I wish I could take away your pain and bring it into my own body. I am much better at dealing with these things than most. Living life the hard way does that. I guess you will figure it out. We all figure it out in the end. It's just the path we are on. But am I really better than anyone else? There are still things that need to happen for me too. I need to learn to be alone. Something in my heart is telling me to take everything really slow. Maybe I know that she wants you? I don't know. I can't compete. I just hope you are both happy. I don't feel like waiting for something to happen. I always do this. I go for girls like her all the time. The ones who are shut off and hurt by other people. I would like to be the one to help you believe again but at the same time I don't. That's so much pressure and I know I am not close to perfection. What was I thinking? We really should keep it simple. What am I trying to achieve from this anyway? You don't remember that night. That's kinda shitty. Dropping it now. Changing things for the both of us. No more pressure. Nothing. I will cut off that affection.

I wish everyone could just be happy for once. Maybe I surrond myself with the wrong people? I just wish everyone could let go of all the pain and the hurt. Forgivness makes everything so much easier. It really does. I want to hold on to hope for every new relationship I have because I want to always have it feel new and exciting. Where is my life taking me? I hope it guilds me to happiness. All I have to do is keep my chin up. I hope it leads me to the love of my life. I hope it leads me to someone that I want to love for 50 years. Is it really people like me who keep the world moving? That could be one of the best things someone could ever say to me. I will help this whole world move forward. I am older than my years. Can I touch the lives around me? Do I need to be needed? I really don't see how I am much diffrent than anyone else. Everyone has the power to do what I did. Everyone can bring themselves from darkness no matter how far you might have fallen. It's the people with such a burning desire to accomplish anything they want is what keeps the world moving. As I have found, these people are a very rare breed. I just don't understand how you can't be happy. How do people let these things in their past hold them back? If anything, I should be one of those people who are held by their shadows. Kicked and abused, easily taken advantage of. How did I hold on to this hope? How have a I held on for so long? I know what it's like not to eat, I know what it's like to have no one, I know what it's like to be touched when I didn't want to be, I know what it's like to watch that happen to someone else, I know what it's like to think the people closest to you are going to die, I know what it's like to raise yourself, I know what it's like to be lost. I grew up too fast. I had no childhood. I am fiercly independant because I was forced to be that way. When people assume I must have had a good life because I am able to smile with ease I can honestly say it has been no picnic. But because of my hardships, because of every peice of shit thing anyone has ever done to me, because of that is why I can smile. I'm proud of myself. For everything. I wish I could teach everyone how I do it but even that fact eludes me.

The flash of pain .
I crave you.
I fear you.
And here I am chasing you again.

The warmth of love.
I crave you.
I fear you.
And here I am trying to run again.

Pain is the love I allow myself to feel.
A bond made from trust.
So similar in many different ways.
And yet only one is considered sane.

The screams of passion and fear.
sounds so similar in my ears.
moans from dry throats.
clenching and relaxation from sweaty bodies.

When the two combine.
A world entwines with beauty.
a completion of desire.
the complications of guilt.

So spank me again.
but whisper that you love me in my ear.
teach me a lesson.
and let me know that it's because you care.

Give me your anger.
give me your pain.
let me heal your scars.
as you mark mine with the same.

Let me be your release.
however that may be.
I am only here to please.
as long as you take good care of me.

Let me bring it out of you.
can I hold you as you cry?
I can help you embrace your darkness.
and bring you into the light.

Can you tear me down?
So I can pick myself back up.
I want to know what true pain is.
So nothing else will hurt.

Will you take care of my wounds?
After I begged for you to give them to me.
I will tell you how much I care for you.
When you crash into your emotions.

For a moment let us forget.
Any worry about the world is gone.
Wrap me in a painful embrace.
until my heart bursts from love.

I love you.
I hate you.
My body burns.
but your eyes are cold.

The glow in your eyes is addictive.
when I am able to push my body further for you.
The sound coming from your lips is honey.
When you call me a good girl.