I can't believe any of it is happening to me.

Can I say I am dumbfounded? Most defiently. How could I have fallen so hard for someone completly unexpected and out of the blue. And now I am finally making progress to my dreams. I have never felt this secure to reach up and grasp my dreams by the reigns and let all my familiarities go. I have never had anyone whom I felt I could take any chances with. Is this what trust is? Is this what happens when you know without a single doubt that somebody loves you for you and only wants you to be at your happiest. It scares me to think how close I came to never meeting her. How I almost passed by the greatest thing in my life. She gives me everything. I ask and I recieve. That seems to be the reoccuring theme lately. Have I finally taken back my life? Am I finally moving forward? Can this really be what is meant for me? Do I even deserve this? Do I deserve her? Yes. Yes, I now believe that I do. I will sacrifice everything to keep her and my dreams. This is the most important thing in my life and always will be. One day I want to become great enough to support her in whatever dreams she may have. Is it alright to be a little selfish right now? To ask for her support? If she wants to marry me then I guess now is the time that we test it. I have to be sure and so does she. I cant stay here anymore. The mundane routine of it all has driven me to depression and crippled me. She crippled me. The one of my past who broke everything that I knew. Its okay because I much rather be who I am now. I would go through all of that and more over and over again just to keep Nicole. Just to have a chance with her. Her beauty is astounding and grows more and more every day. She looks at me how every girl wants to be looked at. I'm wanted. I'm needed. I'm loved. I'm happy. I'm beautiful. I'm worth something. Things I would have never said before her. Things that I tried to make myself believe but I wasnt quite there in my heart. Now I try to disprove them and instead my heart tells me I am a liar. I know I am worth it. Even when I say I'm not. I'm just stuck in the habit of hating myself. But I dont believe that. I know I'm loved because she gives me my freedom. That has always been what I need. I always knew I had the ability to support the ones I love and allow them to be as they are but I needed someone to prove to me that they can do the same. I found it. She is better than my perfect girl. She is something unimaginable. Breathtaking. How anyone sees her as anything diffrent is blind but I am thankful for their blindness because that means she appreciates my sight even more and then I actually stand a chance with her. I wonder if she thinks of me the same. I wonder if to her the sunlight looks better refelcted in my eyes. I wonder if she is awestruck just by the simplistic things about me such as the way I move when music hits my body and I can no longer control how it flows. She has seen me in my purist forms. Is it lovely? I want to be remembered as a rose. Classicly beautiful time and time again no matter what color I decide to take. Soft yet strong and dangerous if not handled with care.

Wrote this awhile ago. I have always been a fool for you.

So here I am. I'm in love again. As is the fate of those like me who love too easily. A hopeless romantic is what I am. I can't control myself. This time though is diffrent. I know I know, I say that everytime but please bear with me. I can say for sure that I have found my soul mate. Even writing that out feels cheesy and stupid but nothing else fits. She is mine and I forever hers. I have NEVER been so attracted to a girl before. I can't even look at anyone else with any intrest. Last night, she showed up to my house dressed up and boy let me tell you, I was dumbfounded. Blue button up, tight blue jeans, black combat boots, spiked braclett, shirt tucked in, hair spiked up, and the way she smelled intoxicated my senses. Classy yet punk. Perfect combo. I fumbled over my words, my fingers couldn't grasp anything correctly, my eyes lingered on her. She smirked at me knowingly. Nicole knew she looked good and she knew that I only had eyes for her. She sauntered over to me and her eyebrows raised slightly. My lips found hers. I was a fool for her as I always am. The amount of passion I feel for her is not something I am used to. I know the feeling is completly mutual. I love her. With everything I have in me and I'm so ready to make her mine forever. Yes, today is only 2 weeks but to me it feels like it's been 2 years. I'm bettering myself because she makes me want to. Everything she does is perfect.

Darkness shrouding my sense
Numb and unfeeling
Don't let it happen
Some one save me

the light is dim
Shrinking into itself
the darknes devouring hope
and blinding our eyes

Bats fly across my vision
nothingness take me soon
inside the world of insanity
Swirling in my mind

A glow
far from here
glows softly
preparing for battle

Save us
please god save us

Take some time to smell the roses.

A lot can be missed when you have forgotten how to walk. Not just the motions of one step in front of the other but the act of moving forward in the world around you, Of  looking and actually seeing everything and appreciating everything as it is. I have driven down this road many times but today I was forced to walk instead. There were things I never noticed before and things I have forgotten. I forgot the feel of the sun beating down on the back of my neck like a warm cup of coffee resting between my palms, the breeze cooling my face and rustling the leaves above as if they had a secret to tell. My arms swinging to my sides softly reach up and caress the tips of green. I stop at the sight of a rose bush. The pink so vivid, even the sunset could only dare to compete with it’s bright fuchsia against the deep green of its stem. I bring up to my face, not thinking of the embarrassment of getting caught doing so. The fragrance fills my senses with old memories, a thing that cheap perfumes attempt to achieve. The petels pinched between my rough finger tips feel like freshly cleaned cotton sheets. I leave, continuing down my path and saying goodbye like I would to an old friend. Cars squeal past me with music blasting while my own ears stretch and yern to hear the slightest movement of wind against the grass. The scent of the air as I breathe deep is crisp and mild. I pass an old building that I had yet to see on my many drives.  Abandoned yet beautiful in it’s own world with the dust covered shelves inside that you can barley see through the dirt covered windows. I pass a restaurant and the air changes to the smell of garlic and citrus. People chatting noisily intrigues me.  What stories do these people have to tell? What things could I learn from them. The possibilities of countless interactions and experiences that one person could hold excited me. Those people who chose to enjoy their meal and company outside probably appreciated the beauty of this one street as much as I was right now. Even the man made sculpture in front had me taken back as I imagined how difficult it must have been to make and thinking how one human could think of that all by themselves. Lavender grew against the cool grey of the fence and my eyes became warm and soft as the colors shone through and helped each other become even more beautiful. Still I kept walking, the ache in my muscles telling me that my body was done because of the long night before but my brain was far from ready to stop absorbing everything. I walked on ward to my new apartment three houses down. The cold of metal was welcomed and I opened the door and took a deep breath of the already familiar scent. I was home.

Tears fall from the eyes of my sisters. I stand there unable to comprohend anymore. Why are you sad? The ending of things shouldnt make you cry my dear. A furture lies ahead. A new door will open. You will learn things you need to survive. Without this you would have crumbled. Just as I would have too. Is it because you and I are so similar that I can't leave quite yet? Do I feel compelled to help you? I think that must be it. If I can do it then you definetly can. Seeing you in pain brought back my own pain. I guess I'm not completly over what she did to me. I'm trying but it does hold me back from taking those much needed leaps of faith. I know you arn't over what happned between the two of us. Manipulation is a horrible thing but to hear you talk about it, even if it was under the influence, is good for you. Let it out, let it out. You can't keep these things in anymore. It was easier when we were young. Now, the stress builds and builds and there is nothing we can do but release it from our bodies. Don't worry, a smile will come easily to you when you finally meet someone who is really worth it. I wish I could take away your pain and bring it into my own body. I am much better at dealing with these things than most. Living life the hard way does that. I guess you will figure it out. We all figure it out in the end. It's just the path we are on. But am I really better than anyone else? There are still things that need to happen for me too. I need to learn to be alone. Something in my heart is telling me to take everything really slow. Maybe I know that she wants you? I don't know. I can't compete. I just hope you are both happy. I don't feel like waiting for something to happen. I always do this. I go for girls like her all the time. The ones who are shut off and hurt by other people. I would like to be the one to help you believe again but at the same time I don't. That's so much pressure and I know I am not close to perfection. What was I thinking? We really should keep it simple. What am I trying to achieve from this anyway? You don't remember that night. That's kinda shitty. Dropping it now. Changing things for the both of us. No more pressure. Nothing. I will cut off that affection.

I wish everyone could just be happy for once. Maybe I surrond myself with the wrong people? I just wish everyone could let go of all the pain and the hurt. Forgivness makes everything so much easier. It really does. I want to hold on to hope for every new relationship I have because I want to always have it feel new and exciting. Where is my life taking me? I hope it guilds me to happiness. All I have to do is keep my chin up. I hope it leads me to the love of my life. I hope it leads me to someone that I want to love for 50 years. Is it really people like me who keep the world moving? That could be one of the best things someone could ever say to me. I will help this whole world move forward. I am older than my years. Can I touch the lives around me? Do I need to be needed? I really don't see how I am much diffrent than anyone else. Everyone has the power to do what I did. Everyone can bring themselves from darkness no matter how far you might have fallen. It's the people with such a burning desire to accomplish anything they want is what keeps the world moving. As I have found, these people are a very rare breed. I just don't understand how you can't be happy. How do people let these things in their past hold them back? If anything, I should be one of those people who are held by their shadows. Kicked and abused, easily taken advantage of. How did I hold on to this hope? How have a I held on for so long? I know what it's like not to eat, I know what it's like to have no one, I know what it's like to be touched when I didn't want to be, I know what it's like to watch that happen to someone else, I know what it's like to think the people closest to you are going to die, I know what it's like to raise yourself, I know what it's like to be lost. I grew up too fast. I had no childhood. I am fiercly independant because I was forced to be that way. When people assume I must have had a good life because I am able to smile with ease I can honestly say it has been no picnic. But because of my hardships, because of every peice of shit thing anyone has ever done to me, because of that is why I can smile. I'm proud of myself. For everything. I wish I could teach everyone how I do it but even that fact eludes me.

The flash of pain .
I crave you.
I fear you.
And here I am chasing you again.

The warmth of love.
I crave you.
I fear you.
And here I am trying to run again.

Pain is the love I allow myself to feel.
A bond made from trust.
So similar in many different ways.
And yet only one is considered sane.

The screams of passion and fear.
sounds so similar in my ears.
moans from dry throats.
clenching and relaxation from sweaty bodies.

When the two combine.
A world entwines with beauty.
a completion of desire.
the complications of guilt.

So spank me again.
but whisper that you love me in my ear.
teach me a lesson.
and let me know that it's because you care.

Give me your anger.
give me your pain.
let me heal your scars.
as you mark mine with the same.

Let me be your release.
however that may be.
I am only here to please.
as long as you take good care of me.

Let me bring it out of you.
can I hold you as you cry?
I can help you embrace your darkness.
and bring you into the light.

Can you tear me down?
So I can pick myself back up.
I want to know what true pain is.
So nothing else will hurt.

Will you take care of my wounds?
After I begged for you to give them to me.
I will tell you how much I care for you.
When you crash into your emotions.

For a moment let us forget.
Any worry about the world is gone.
Wrap me in a painful embrace.
until my heart bursts from love.

I love you.
I hate you.
My body burns.
but your eyes are cold.

The glow in your eyes is addictive.
when I am able to push my body further for you.
The sound coming from your lips is honey.
When you call me a good girl.

So I got mugged tonight. . . . yup.

I can still feel him on me. I can feel his body against mine and his disgusting aura invading mine. I can feel the knife or gun or whatever he had pressed against my hip. The shower did nothing to get the feel of him off of me. I think I'm going to be sick. I haven't cried yet and I don't know why. I want to cry. I want to break down and I want someone to comfort me. Who am I fucking kidding? I want HER to hold me. She is the only one who I feel like I could completely just fall apart around and still be okay. She would make sure I was safe in her arms. I can imagine her whispering to me that everything will be okay. That's what is helping me not break down. I can't let anyone see me break down. I can't let Sam know because I already had to calm her down in the car. I got us out.

I realized something from all of this, I learned something from this. I am not a coward. I'm fucking brave. I am strong. I faced that mother fucker and remained calm even though I could have lost my life. My thought afterwards was I have to get Sam out of here. She is going to freak out and I need her to be safe. I want Sam to be okay. I didn't really think about myself. I didn't think, I need to go because I'm not safe.

People get mugged every day but you never think it's going to be you. I don't want to walk away from this scared for the rest of my life though. You can't live your entire existence in constant fear. It's a once in a life time sort of thing but for now I will allow myself to go through the process that my brain needs to go through. It's normal to be scared for awhile. Welcome to some PTSD.

I'm so happy. I didn't get hurt. I can still tell her how I feel one day. I can still get kisses and hugs and be loved by all my friends. I'm still here. I'm here and I'm so happy. I know they wont catch him but that's okay. I kinda feel bad for him. What kind of life does he have to have to resort to robbery? I pray to my goddess that he can find a better path. I wish for him to be able to live a normal life. It's unfortunate knowing that my wish will probably never come true.

I like you, I just want to say this now. I hope you know that it's you who I am saying this to. My one regret in life if I died would have been not being able to say it to you. When I see you again I want to say it for real. Even if you don't like me back that's okay. I just want you to know. Who knows, you could like me too. I think I'm a pretty good catch but I know human connection is more complicated than that. Just don't stop being my friend after, okay?

I learn my lessons the hard way in life but you know what? I thank the world everyday. Even for this, this experience can only make me stronger. Now I know how I would react and now I know that I'm stronger than I ever could imagine. Thank you goddess. Thank you for everything you do for me.